38 Weeks pregnant and counting....

Why didn't anyone tell me about the evilness of pregnancy? Not that I would've decided not to have kids had I known the truth, but I feel like I would've been in more control or something....

Being 38 weeks pregnant is worse than being 34 weeks pregnant. Just when you think you can't possibly get larger, you do. Just when you think you can't possibly have more limited mobility, you do. Just when you think that you can't possibly have more anxiety, you do.

Stretch marks have spiraled out of control and I tossed out the cocoa butter a month ago. For the first time in my life, I have no desire to buy any more clothes. I mean, fuck, as much as I could use some winterish clothes - I refuse to buy any more fat clothes. The last purchase I made was for a much needed sweat jacket but otherwise, I don't care how much I could use another sweater-type thing or pants-type thing - I'm completely over it.

My biggest concern now is the decisions that people are making for the baby before the baby is even born. My mother-in-law wants to have the baby baptized... I am not Catholic, neither is the "man". I am particularly uncomfortable with this idea, especially as descriptions of it becomes more grandiose than I had expected. Pregnancy has made me extremely aggressive, more than typical and I would hate to have to display that kind of aggression towards my mother-in-law.

Yes, pregnancy has made me aggressive. I have had two altercations with random men in the street. One man stole my parking spot, the other decided to block the street I needed to turn into to get home. Yes, I did get out of my car and screamed bloody murder. Yes I did use my pregnancy as a means to try and make these two men feel guilty - not that it worked but who knows.... I am fucking crazy and I guess feeling a bit too entitled here because of my pregnancy. Not that I expect crowds to part when I am walking down the street but, quite frankly, I expect some kind of respect which I don't get here in this shitty Chinatown I live in. They push, they shove, they cut you in line, and they look at you like THEY ARE ENTITLED while they see me struggling just to stand. If I go to a white part of town, I swear, everyone says "I'm sorry", they open the door for me, they make room for me....it's the oddest thing. But, hell, I guess with the amount of Chinese people in the world, me being pregnant, ain't no thang.......

On being pregnant...

I am 34 weeks pregnant - the kid is near baked and ready to come out of the oven! It's been the longest year of my life and yet, strangely enough, the shortest year of my life. Pregnancy is like having a never ending flu...my body constantly hurts and I want to sleep all the time. I am grateful that I am not one of those women who have really horrible pregnancies - where they throw up constantly, have heartburn, and over all just hate life. I have to say, I've been relatively happy but I do complain about my symptoms a lot - so much so that "the man" stated to me "WOW, you complain so much that you're even annoying yourself". Pregnancy is no joke and I'm really surprised by my ability to survive this.....

As usual, I have taken on more than I can chew even while being pregnant. I have a new respect for previous mommies-to-be and their ability to work to the very last day. I'm really not sure how it is I made this far at work.

I am also clearly lacking in the creative intelligence department since I have succumb to the blogging again. I miss taking random trips to the museum - I'm way too huge to do that now. I miss going out drinking with my gal pals and feeling fun, fresh, and oh-so-thirty. I'm a bit tired of being tired and grown up. I need a little fun. I can't wait until this pregnancy is over.......

Sharing the news...

So here I am, all alone, riding the train from San Diego to Los Angeles, 12 weeks pregnant. I am watching the California coast go by as the sun slowly sets and I feel pure joy right now. In the past I have felt shackled to this growing being inside of me - fearful of the life I might fuck up (or not), but right now, this very moment - I am so ecstatic, I think I may start tearing but let's leave the daytime drama out of this. Despite being alone, I feel freer than I ever have and happy that I am bringing a life into this world. Someone that I can love, hold, and teach to love life as much as I do. The past twelve weeks of vomiting my guts up seems almost worth it.

I've never been to California before much less traveling alone across the country without my husband and pregnant - but I'm really glad despite my whining and freaking out before my trip that I decided to do this.

I think I'm falling in love with California. I don't know why. I mean there's nothing like New York but the weather and that ocean! That ocean makes it all so worth it.

I hope this lil one feels all my happiness right now.

Feeling Oh So Thirty

Sitting here past midnight and instilling my love for the internet as I use Stumble! to show me cool sites and listening to some cool hippy trippy Puffyamiyumi.... despite my stomach being in shambles, being overworked, overwhelmed, and overtired. 15 years ago I sat in the same bedroom, though a different color with different curtains, listening to a mix of grunge and punk, waiting for my life to "just begin". I wasn't lying in a bed that I share with my husband, instead, I was idealizing my future husband and his six figure salary with golden looks and promises to keep me safe, happy, and warm.

So different to be 15 years older and realize that all those dreams though didn't come true came to some realization at some point....

The restoration of my faith in humanity, the law, and the internet...sorta

"The man" somehow always finds a way to get things done. My friend and tenent downstairs, who is now looking to move and also being ex-military is ready to kill the guy and was done and through with handling things the legal way. The man thought that there had to be some way to do something legally. So by way of internet (Hallelujah and praise the Net!), we were advised to speak to a detective at the precinct, bring pictures of the injuries she sustained and document everything. All three of us went there Thursday night, ready to go. Of course, they initially gave us a hard time. In fact, we found out that night, that a harrassment charge wasn't even charged, that they arrested the guy because of his attempt to strike an officer and in the police report, it stated that he just had an argument with a local neighbor. SO THERE WAS ACTUALLY NOTHING!! At this point my friend had given up and upped her normal grumbly miserable attitude by a 100% and the man and I began arguing with the officer. The officer kept insisting that we speak to the original arresting officer (which we did to no avail) and we kept persisting. Finally, she took our information to the Sergeant and they took our complaint case, placed as an assault charge and a detective called my friend within a day. At this point they said they would arrest him again and charge him if there was a case and that if he came near her again, she could call the police and have arrested because she would have a temporary order of protection.

Yeah, so, I still see the guy practically every day - but he faces his back towards our direction and he rarely seems to stay out long anymore especially when the man comes home from work. And yes, my friend is still leaving despite having live with me for 4 years with really no problems. But part of me feels somewhat vindicated to an extent, let this guy have some fear. And trust me, with the help of the internet, life could get pretty bad for this guy....

The police suck!

My long time friend and tenent has been harrassed and assaulted by our drunk neighbor somewhat randomly. This is a guy who is constantly sitting outside drunk as a skunk, tries to be outgoing and friendly to all the neighbors in a obnoxious way, tries to be involved with every little event that occurs on the block and seems a bit too friendly with the kids in the neighborhood. This guy has approached me many times trying to strike up a chat and I’ve either nodded, smiled, and/or walked away. My friend, on the other hand, completely ignores him or finally tells him to fuck off.

Well three days ago, my friend’s car alarm was going off in our driveway. This asswhole drunk came banging on our door. My friend, startled, went to the door and he slurred that the alarm was going off (meanwhile, at this point it had stopped). Her attitude is aggressive but she goes and disables the alarm in her car. She even, in her gruff way, apologizes. The drunk says “Well sorry isn’t good enough” and actually gets into her face, pushing her with his chest. Now, my friend is not exactly the meek type - she used to be in the army, she doesn’t have a problem defending herself, so she pushed him back. She turned towards her car and the drunk grabbed her by the throat and threw her down to the ground. He called her all sorts of names and threaten to kill her and damage her car. A bit more of a tussle occured and when he realized she was reaching for the club in her car, he jetted up the block. She called the cops and they came within 3 minutes. She received a scratch and a bruise out of this deal. The cops determined the case as a harrassment charge because the drunk claimed he didn’t touch her and then also added a resisting arrest charge because he got aggressive during the arrest.

So, they take down my friend’s information and leave. When I hear of this, I immediately tell her we need to go to the precinct because they didn’t tell her anything. We didn’t even know what the charges were during the time - we were hoping assault. But they tell us that the assistant district attorney would call her that day to sign an affadavit and write a statement. Did anyone call? Nope. In fact, we called over and over both the D.A.’s office and the precinct and they don’t even have it on record. My friend went into the precinct and finally spoke to one of the arresting officers and they told her that it was a harrassment charge and that they could do nothing else unless he attacks her again. The guy was out the next day, smoking and drinking on his porch. The worst part of it all is that he’s only two doors away…we see him all the time, we have to pass by him….
Well now what? My friend has noticed a dent in her car and she’s moving out within the week. This is someone who after four years of living here has not had a problem with anyone in the neighborhood. I don’t blame her for wanting to go but I feel that this guy just won and screwed with our lives. I don’t understand why the police are not more sympathetic and why they are not protecting us. I don’t understand why they don’t have it on record. I don’t understand why this guy can have so much power and why he had to pick on her. I hate this and I’m so depressed. Even looked for answers on a public forum and most people just said to get a gun because the police wouldn’t do anything.

The last year of my 20's

I have disappeared from this blog, as I do from my many blogs I tend to keep on the good ole net. It is hard to keep going everything you want to keep going when you've just got too many things going. But I've got to say, I've tried livejournal, myspace, diaryland and about a billion and one other journal sites out there and Blogger (and of course designing my own site) has always been the ones I fell back on. Anywho, I've got throat infection number 5 right now and both sides of my neck are currently swollen and tender to the touch! Hooray for me! I work with germy little children.

I am in the last year of my 20's and I'm wondering what to do with myself. Although turning 30 hasn't really been on my mind much, it's actually all the things that go with me turning 30 - getting sicker easily, feeling like my body can't do the things it used to, feeling like time is going way too fast and I'm just moving way too slow... I remember feeling like turning 20 was taking forever and now, my 20's are nearly half over. It's strange to me to feel so distant from the younger generation. I don't know what or who is playing on the radio anymore and I don't get certain trends. My life has become completely absorbed in work, in school, and in my life with the man. I sometimes feel like I know no else. Yet I'm not quite upset about that. I just miss being youthful and innocent. I miss the uncertainty of deciding what I'm going to be when I grow up and coming to the conclusion that "Hell, I've got a few more years to decide."