Mmmmm...Wedding Cake...

I really like this for a wedding cake. It's different and will definitely go with the red and gold decor at the restaurant. Only problem is I'm getting the cake for free so I don't know if they will be willing or capable of making something this elaborate. The man says it doesn't look that crazy, he says it looks pretty simple to him (I'd like to see him make it then!) but we'll see. I'm getting scared.... just six weeks to my wedding.

Can you believe this?!

This pic is from Mcdonald's celebrating Asian heritage month (when was that?!). Do you see what Mcdonald's can DO TO YOU?! That boy is a chub! After watching Supersize me sometime in June, I have not stepped foot in a Mcdonalds. I didn't really go in there that much before but I did go in there about once a month or so. After watching the documentary, I realized how manipulative Mcdonalds advertising is.

I love their "Black history month" and "asian heritage month" commercials when the people who own Mcdonald's look like this

What a crock of poo.

But they do have the best french fries....sigh.

Tweeeeeeee waaaaah!

I am a bit less angry than I was yesterday. Why? I don't know, I've had a pretty rotten day today but I don't know, maybe it was the Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Chunk Milk Macadamia Cookies that help lighten the mood. Yesterday, the man actually DENIED me from buying these cookies because "they're too expensive! Whaddaya pay 3 bucks for like 4 cookies? Put 'em back". I was like Woah the man, hold on there, you mean these 3 bucks is gonna decide whether we're having this wedding or not? So I bought them today when he wasn't looking.

As requested (or rather pleaded), today I decided to turn into Über bitch. Yes, I walked over to my all-in-one cheap ass chinese wedding store and was ready to FLAME away! But of course, the person I needed to deal with was in Boston and I was left with the nice girl who does hair and makeup whom told me "Wow, you've lost weight!" So I politely told her my schpiel and asked her to relay that to the evil people who own the place and went back home somewhat dissatisfied. There was so much I was ready to say with at least 8 fucks and fucking and at least 1 bitch-ass-muddahfuckah-money-hungry-shit interspersed in there...

After that I laid around the couch for a bit hoping I'd fall asleep and forget that I had another prior engagement...a classmate of mine begged me to come visit her so that I may evaluate her autistic child and help her deal with his aggressive behaviors. Now, normally, I would be quite willing to do this without a seconds thought but it wasn't the fact that she wanted me there for free, it wasn't that my car broke down and I had to borrow a car from a friend, and it wasn't even the fact that it's my vacation - I shouldn't be working but planning my wedding. No, it was the fact that she lived all the way out in Staten Island - nearly an hour away from me on a good day. So yes, I told her I would come today, borrowed my friend's car which was about a step up from my car (it runs) and left promptly an hour before my appointment. Of course, she wanted me to come during rush hour traffic and of course the car I have doesn't have air conditioning and started to overheat, so I'm cranking on the heater about every 10 minutes, sweltering. But I get there. I ring the bell. I wait. I ring the bell again. I wait. I think to myself "Hmmm, something just ain't right". I call and I get the answering machine. It takes time for my brain to fully absorb what was happening. Then... "Oh shit!" I call a last time to let the answering machine know that I'm leaving, ya fuckahs! and then called the man. I ramble "I don't understand" and "What the hell" repetitively and then went back in the car to go home. Only... it takes two hours to get back because Staten Island is a hell hole and didn't believe in any kind of logic when constructing their roads.

Despite it all, I came home, eventually, listened to a little Shooby Taylor, did my own little "tweee-wah" and " sidily doot-en-doot splaw" to nothing at all, and decided life was ok..........
For now.

NYC Teachers Suck! Trust me I know...

On August 24th, Gothamist, Jen Chung writes :

"The City announced a new $36 million program that will team over 5000 new teachers with 300 mentors(veteran teachers) to help the new teachers better acclimate to the NYC public school system and, more importantly, retain them......Gothamist sincerely hope this program succeeds, because if there's one thing that's critical to building the city, it's making sure all children have the opportunity for a great education from teachers who do care. We've heard too many stories about veteran teachers who don't care or new teachers who burn out because the schools don't give them support. We wish all NYC school teachers, new and old, the best for the new school year."

Oh if they only knew the truth...

It doesn't matter how much you care...

Having just finished an accelerated teachers program, I firmly stand by my promise that NO CHILD OF MINE WILL BE ATTENDING ANY NYC PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM. The program I went to was a joke, I admit it. It is a program that will basically give you credits for your money and was truthfully created to get our teachers who were already in the system quickly certified. Sure, you may have to do a little time but what they call "graduate work" is suitable for a freshman in college. I can't say I'm proud that I went through the very same program but my situation is different. Teaching children with autism using ABA is quite different from the educational standpoint. I have also been doing it for over ten years. The teachers in my program were either currently working as teachers or will soon be and many of them were morons. Some were like me, but many of them would just shock you at how stupid they were. And the stories they would tell about the system....oh lawd have mercy! Take one beautiful example, a union rep basically said to us if we hit a child for whatever reason, LIE, no matter how nice the principal is to you, LIE, otherwise you will never work again. Thank god I don't work for the public school system.

The NYC department of education spends it's money on titles and salaries. That's all. It really doesn't give a damn about the kids. There are teachers out there who don't HAVE BOOKS! Don't have books for crying out loud! The special education system is worse. They believe in placing children in the "Least restrictive environment" which is basically saying place this child where they can just adequately make it. Their teaching fellows program was a total joke and truthfully, there's just not enough people willing to sacrifice their sanity to teach for the Department of Ed. And quite frankly, Bloomberg has no business changing the educational system the way he did. He has successfully turned it into a fucking business and not a place of education.

God help the children.

Let the wedding disaster begin...

My all-in-one chinese wedding shop called me tonight to let me know that my copy of my designer wedding dress that's currently being made in Taiwan will be about 250 dollars more than what they originally quoted me for. Now, suffice to say, I should expect what I pay for but I am starting to get extremely nervous and they are now telling me that they will have it ready in the middle of next month. I'm getting married October 10th. As the man said once I screamed bloody murder (after I hung up the phone of course, because I'm a wuss), "they're gonna rape us and it will be too late to do anything about it".

I really need to turn into a bitch. Right Now!! Oh God turn me into a bitch NOW. I WANNA BE A BIG BALL OF BITCH RIGHT NOW!
*squint squint* Am I a bitch yet?
Ok, I'm gonna march in there tomorrow and tell them I am going to be on fucking TV and if they want the publicity they better fucking get my dress here in proper condition the way I wanted it at the price they quoted me for or I will have no problem going somewhere else despite the fact that my wedding is in less than two months! Please, Please, Please, let me have the balls to do that.

The T.V. producers think it's great that they might be able to catch me seeing my dress for the very first time. Goddamn fucking media.

Sigh.

Mumbo Jumbo and schtuff...

Every night some kid rides this miniature motor bike up and down the street. I ventured out to try and snap a pic of him but he was too far away from my phone. I couldn't use a real camera lest he see me and decide to join the other punks in my neighborhood who like to pass their time throwing eggs in my driveway. I don't know why I've been target for this as the man and I rarely talk to anyone in the neighborhood - it's a typical thing living in NYC, you may live on top of each other but you don't have to know each other. I don't know what kind of gratification this kid gets out of zooming up and down the street at midnight. I would've thought by now that the novelty would wear off and it certainly isn't getting him any ladies, after all he does look like an oversized circus clown riding a trike if you ask me, but nope, he's been doing this all summer, every night. I wanna pelt him with eggs...but from far away, from somebody else's house, wearing all black....

Favors

Black Lychee tea to give out for my wedding. It's so fragrant. It has a very heavy bitter taste but yet slightly sweet. Get it at TenRenUSA. The tins have glass tops and cost $150 bucks for 300 on ebay.

I'm an animal loving freak....

Or so the masses say. People think the amount of energy and money I spend on my cats is absurd. More than often, many of my friends mouths gape in disbelief followed by the repetitive shaking of the head and sucking of the teeth when I tell them my story about my cats. To some degree, I understand why they feel that way. I grew up with a family who treated animals as pets and only pets. They were at first a novelty, then an annoyance, and then as they got older, a burden. My parents never took our animals to the Vet - it was absolutely ridiculous to them that anyone would spend more money on an animal's health then on their own.

The differences between "hard-core" animal lovers and I are many. These are my beliefs:

1. I fully admit that keeping my animals are selfish.
   
2. I fully admit that spending money to keep my animals alive are selfish.
3. I would never keep my pet alive if they were suffering or were lacking quality of life. As it is, my cat Doo Doo (he came to me named that way), is still running, beating up on the others, eating like a dog, bringing me toys, and snuggling and biting my ear after two different bouts of cancer.
4. I feel that if I take them away from their natural environment then I have a responsibility to give them a loving home. My pets give me unconditional love...I owe it to them to give them all I can.
5. I would not choose their lives over mine. I can't take care of them if I'm not healthy.

Despite the fact I am a bit upset that their medical bills have dipped into our wedding fund, I don't question or doubt my actions. My wedding is one day, one day that doesn't have to have all the glitz - it is just a selfish event that ends before I know it. That doesn't mean I don't want it, but it does mean I'm willing to give up some of it to save my cat - something that means much more to me.

Now I must untangle the mess in my hair that my cat Pee Pee kneaded (well I have Doo Doo, I might as well have a Pee Pee!) while I was sleeping.

Soak it up!

Work starts for me next week. It will be a new job but an old job. I will be returning to an agency I worked for for over 8 years and resigned the sorta cush job I originally left my old agency for two years. My experience in the world of autism and applied behavior analysis for over ten years and my recent Master's degree, has made me extremely valuable in the field. I am still pretty uneasy about my decision to change jobs (and regret even doing so this summer since I feel like we're swimming in debt). I completely turned around the whole program at the place I recently resigned at - making it a real ABA program and I even began to make a name for it as well. It drives me crazy how money-hungry agencies are. The demand for ABA services are increasing rapidly with the onslaught of children being diagnosed with autism. Agencies, despite the capability and expertise to meet these demands, still set up ABA shops. The result; a poorly run program, children who suffer, families who suffer, and a bad name for ABA. Even worse still, is the fact that ABA Early Intervention is becoming more and more in demand and teachers all-over, special ed or not, experienced or not, early childhood or not, are rushing to receive the lucrative pay agencies are willing to shell out for them (anywhere from 35 -130 an hour to be exact...still makes me kick myself in the head for not doing that). My previous company, recognizing me as" the" expert in ABA (which I didn't want to be), had me training previous high school math teachers/general education teachers/idiots to work in their ABA Early Intervention program. It went against everything I believed in. And finally, at my exit interview, they tried to persuade me to stay yet in the same breath claimed I was "TOO ABA". It was this lack of support for my field that finalized my decision to leave my agency and, sniffle, to say goodbye to my office, the painstaking energy I put in to my program, my kids - 5 of which we successfully transferred out of an ABA classroom and into a larger less intensive special ed class, my staff, and the unlimited use of the fax/copier (damn I miss it!).

Despite the lack of support, I did learn quite a bit, albiet on my own, in the past two years. I came in with 8 years of ABA experience but what I learned in these past two years surpasses that combined. I also got to learn the NYC education system quite a bit (Damn if I ever allow my child into the public education system!), and really, I just grew as a person. I will miss that growth and worry that I may not continue to do so.

Anyway, my scars on my arms (from kids scratching and biting me) have faded nicely, mainly thanks to the sun, but September just means new scratches and bite marks. Which really doesn't go well with a white wedding dress. But hey, that's me. The man tells me that I'm such a guy - I've got bruises and marks all over me. But it's better than having a "girly-girl" whose constantly primping in the mirror. Still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

My First Full Rainbow

This was the first time I saw a full rainbow. Unfortunately, all I had was my mobilephone so the quality is not that great, but I'm so glad I captured the moment. I would like to think seeing this will mark a change in my luck for the better. The man quickly reminded me though that the first and last time he saw a full rainbow, his father passed away that day. The look of disappointment flashed across my face but he quickly gave me a hug and said "I could be wrong. It might be a sign of good luck."

Oooooffff...

I have a great talent while hung over. I can lay in bed for hours and tune out the drilling, jackhammering, and the fifty mexicans in my yard who are fixing the notorious basement flood at my house screaming "Mira" over and over. I'm sure many of the comments were "Look at that crack in the foundation!", "Look at the termites here!", "Look, how the hell can they allow people to live here?"

The play by play so far:
Woke up earlier to feed cats. Got a cup of OJ, surfed the net, went back to bed.
At 1 p.m. the man calls. I lie and say I wasn't still in bed, hesitate, then tell him the truth.
Reach for the large half of prosciutto bread that I bought Friday, wonder if the tiny bits of green mold spots will kill me....
Pout as I chuck the expensive bread in the garbage.
Go to the computer and hope surfing will magically erase my hunger.
Return to kitchen and hope preprepared food will magically appear on the table after the third or fourth search.
Return to the computer. Beg hunger to go away.
Find myself surfing Jamie Oliver's website (the cute chef)...
Get inspired.
Go to kitchen and throw together an omelette with leftover chicken and salsa.
Catch myself before throwing a full glass of OJ into the garbage can.
Declare myself a winner.
Good enough dammit.

Welcome back...

Sometimes it takes being drunk at 3:45 in the morning with a small group of friends on a Sunday night to return back to reality and the beliefs that I strongly stand by. Of course it makes typing in your private blog a much harder feat to accomplish with all the goddamn backspacing but damn if I ain't sober enough to realize that I'm making typos...

It is during drunken slurring with close friends about politics and religion that I remember my faith in compassion for others and human suffering. It is in this state that I realize my "okayness" (of course not a word but oh so fitting and appropriate right now) with the crappy luck I have and the financial destruction my wedding is putting me through. It's ok. It will be ok. I could be a lot worse off. I deserve an awesome wedding.

In any event, I went to the memorial of my coworker this morning. Despite the fifty gazillion funerals/wakes I've been to, it is this one that I was touched by the most and probably cried at (other than my grandmother's) the most. Never have I experienced such outpouring of love and admiration, and deservedly so, for someone so great. It was, despite it's sad pretense, an uplifting memorial. It was a remembrance of a great man and all the lives he touched and continues to live on in rather than the overwhelming grief of the great man we lost.

Yes, 3:54 a.m., inebriated yet so fucking lucid.

My OB-GYN

My gyno told me a very interesting story today. Apparently a patient of his has been calling him non-stop because she supposedly forgot she had a tampon stuck in her and had sex with her boyfriend. She can't get it out. How does one do that?

I used to be very intimadated by my gyno, but now I chat with him all the time while he's poking and prodding in there. He's the only other man I can do that with. :) It also helps that I strongly suspect he's gay.

Saying goodbye

A co-worker of mine passed away yesterday. He was sick for a while and we all knew he may not recover but it was such a long time before anything happened that I thought maybe he was doing ok. I didn't see him at the hospital but I knew he didn't want to be remembered being sick. In a way I'm glad that I abided by his wishes. I mean, I wish I told him how much he meant to me, but I remember the positive moments I had with him. He constantly told me how happy I looked all the time, how I always had a smile on my face...he was always giving me the latest articles on autism...he was always singing a song that had my name in it whenever he would pass by me... and our last conversation together, he told me he thought my decision to leave our agency was a good one and felt that I deserved to be treated better with more support in my field.

I will never forget him. He was such a good man, so positive, so sweet, and so opinionated! lol! He loved his children and his family... I will miss him so much.

I create blogs....

I don't know who to talk to... Creating blogs can be so cathartic to a degree. I mean, I write all the time, in journals, in my own website, on fifty million other blog like websites that I've created and dumped...but creating a blog, venting out all your shit for the first time, and posting it anonymously to the world makes it all better...sorta. Realistically, I know I will probably be the only one who reads this site but at least I can feel that I've made my announcement to the world.

Now. Moving on to the "announcement":

My life sucks. Ok, it doesn't but it's getting pretty depressing. I'm getting married in two months and I'm having a major wedding. I have a well known officiant, a well known beautiful Tibetan singer, my ceremony will be taking place in a popular area with unbelievable architechture in public, and I may even be on T.V. Unfortunately, despite the loans we've taken out, we still can't afford the wedding because suddenly all these financial issues arised. Our cat who has cancer has been depleting our funds because of our efforts to save him and make him feel like a normal cat again, our basement flooded and although my parents own the house they have no money either so we paid for all $2200 of it out of our wedding funds, my car died and I haven't the money to fix it, medical expenses for me, finishing my masters and paying for that as well..... And I'm guilt ridden... I think my other cat has cancer (which will be the third cat) due to a lump in her belly and a small red lump or scar on her..... I can't pay for it. We maxed out everything. Everything.

I want to be angry at God but I don't believe in God. I try to convince myself that this is the way of life - particularly my life, that without suffering there would be no happiness, but it's getting more and more difficult to maintain my positive attitude. It's not fair for us. We've been through so much, with him nearly dying twice, surgery, being sick all the time, everyone around us dying, cats getting fucking cancer for god's sake.... I'm tired and I want my moment. I really feel depressed.