38 Weeks pregnant and counting....

Why didn't anyone tell me about the evilness of pregnancy? Not that I would've decided not to have kids had I known the truth, but I feel like I would've been in more control or something....

Being 38 weeks pregnant is worse than being 34 weeks pregnant. Just when you think you can't possibly get larger, you do. Just when you think you can't possibly have more limited mobility, you do. Just when you think that you can't possibly have more anxiety, you do.

Stretch marks have spiraled out of control and I tossed out the cocoa butter a month ago. For the first time in my life, I have no desire to buy any more clothes. I mean, fuck, as much as I could use some winterish clothes - I refuse to buy any more fat clothes. The last purchase I made was for a much needed sweat jacket but otherwise, I don't care how much I could use another sweater-type thing or pants-type thing - I'm completely over it.

My biggest concern now is the decisions that people are making for the baby before the baby is even born. My mother-in-law wants to have the baby baptized... I am not Catholic, neither is the "man". I am particularly uncomfortable with this idea, especially as descriptions of it becomes more grandiose than I had expected. Pregnancy has made me extremely aggressive, more than typical and I would hate to have to display that kind of aggression towards my mother-in-law.

Yes, pregnancy has made me aggressive. I have had two altercations with random men in the street. One man stole my parking spot, the other decided to block the street I needed to turn into to get home. Yes, I did get out of my car and screamed bloody murder. Yes I did use my pregnancy as a means to try and make these two men feel guilty - not that it worked but who knows.... I am fucking crazy and I guess feeling a bit too entitled here because of my pregnancy. Not that I expect crowds to part when I am walking down the street but, quite frankly, I expect some kind of respect which I don't get here in this shitty Chinatown I live in. They push, they shove, they cut you in line, and they look at you like THEY ARE ENTITLED while they see me struggling just to stand. If I go to a white part of town, I swear, everyone says "I'm sorry", they open the door for me, they make room for me....it's the oddest thing. But, hell, I guess with the amount of Chinese people in the world, me being pregnant, ain't no thang.......

On being pregnant...

I am 34 weeks pregnant - the kid is near baked and ready to come out of the oven! It's been the longest year of my life and yet, strangely enough, the shortest year of my life. Pregnancy is like having a never ending flu...my body constantly hurts and I want to sleep all the time. I am grateful that I am not one of those women who have really horrible pregnancies - where they throw up constantly, have heartburn, and over all just hate life. I have to say, I've been relatively happy but I do complain about my symptoms a lot - so much so that "the man" stated to me "WOW, you complain so much that you're even annoying yourself". Pregnancy is no joke and I'm really surprised by my ability to survive this.....

As usual, I have taken on more than I can chew even while being pregnant. I have a new respect for previous mommies-to-be and their ability to work to the very last day. I'm really not sure how it is I made this far at work.

I am also clearly lacking in the creative intelligence department since I have succumb to the blogging again. I miss taking random trips to the museum - I'm way too huge to do that now. I miss going out drinking with my gal pals and feeling fun, fresh, and oh-so-thirty. I'm a bit tired of being tired and grown up. I need a little fun. I can't wait until this pregnancy is over.......

Sharing the news...

So here I am, all alone, riding the train from San Diego to Los Angeles, 12 weeks pregnant. I am watching the California coast go by as the sun slowly sets and I feel pure joy right now. In the past I have felt shackled to this growing being inside of me - fearful of the life I might fuck up (or not), but right now, this very moment - I am so ecstatic, I think I may start tearing but let's leave the daytime drama out of this. Despite being alone, I feel freer than I ever have and happy that I am bringing a life into this world. Someone that I can love, hold, and teach to love life as much as I do. The past twelve weeks of vomiting my guts up seems almost worth it.

I've never been to California before much less traveling alone across the country without my husband and pregnant - but I'm really glad despite my whining and freaking out before my trip that I decided to do this.

I think I'm falling in love with California. I don't know why. I mean there's nothing like New York but the weather and that ocean! That ocean makes it all so worth it.

I hope this lil one feels all my happiness right now.